One of the most important boundaries you can set is learning to say “no.” Your boundaries matter. Many of us find ourselves stressed out, over-committed, and involved in tasks that don’t interest us simply because we don’t want to hurt other people’s feelings or let them down.
We put other people's comfort above our own and agree to things we’d rather skip. Let’s examine this destructive habit and why learning to say no is an important life skill, along with some ways to end people-pleasing.
“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.” – Brené Brown.
Why It Matters
Saying “no” matters because it puts you in charge. When you say no to opportunities, tasks, or actions that don’t interest you, you are saying “yes” to yourself and your choices. You’re no longer being led into giving up your time and energy to activities or people to please others at your expense.
Many feel uncomfortable saying “no,” claiming our time and setting firm boundaries. When you say yes to things you don’t enjoy, you’re giving up part of yourself, which can deplete your inner peace and self-esteem.
I was talking with a new grandmother today. When I asked how caring for her newborn grandson was for her, she replied, “It is taking a toll on my body, but it is worth it.” She looked exhausted and stressed as he told me she was babysitting for him this afternoon while his parents went to a wedding.
I couldn't help but think how many of us continue to do things we know harm our bodies.
Benefits of Saying No
There are so many benefits that come from learning to say no. For one, you’ll have more time and energy to pursue the things that genuinely make you happy without harming your body.
Why spend precious resources on things you don’t wholeheartedly enjoy?
You’ll also get more out of life when you purposefully choose what you engage in rather than doing activities others want of you.
You’ll gain confidence when you say no to tasks that don’t interest you and feel more in charge of your actions. This is empowering and can lead to additional positive decisions that add to your self-worth.
Finally, you’ll gain self-respect because you’ll know that you’re not being a doormat and that no one can talk you into doing something you don’t want to do.
Dr. Phil is known for this saying, “You teach people how to treat you.” If you do not say no or set boundaries, others will assume your “yes” behavior is acceptable.
When you teach others how to treat you by setting firm boundaries, they will learn to accept boundaries and won’t be inclined to push you through guilt or other methods of manipulation. Your boundaries matter.
How to Get Started
Learning to say no takes practice. The first step to doing it is to admit if it’s a problem for you. Consider how often people ask you to do things and how readily you agree. Maybe you easily set firm boundaries with others and only a few people you can't say “no” to.
Recognizing the issue can help you to overcome it. Next, you must evaluate the situation whenever someone asks you to engage in a task or activity.
Determine if it’s something you’d like to do and in what ways it would compromise other aspects of your life. You can then move forward to make a decision.
When saying no, it’s important to remember that you don’t owe anyone an explanation for your reasons. No is a complete sentence. If you’re unsure of whether to say no, feel free to tell the person you’ll give them a decision later.
Taking the time to evaluate requests and say no puts you in charge. It allows you to make proactive decisions that are right for you rather than giving in to what others want.
Once you learn this skill, you’ll feel refreshed and renewed, and people will learn to respect your boundaries.
The First Step to Building Boundaries is Knowing What Your Limits Are
Setting boundaries with others can be difficult. This is especially true if this is a skill you haven’t practiced much in the past.
Many of us were raised to be people-pleasers or to put the needs of others above our own. These habits can be challenging to break. The first step is recognizing your limits and setting boundaries honoring your comfort and well-being.
The information below will explain limits, how to recognize them, and why they are essential.
About Limits
In the case of personal boundaries, limits are the types of behaviors, actions, and treatment you identify as unacceptable. They are different with each person and relationship.
Your limits can vary, depending on each situation. For example, you may allow a friend to be late or cancel plans with you a few times. After that point, you decide limits must be set.
You’ll need to tell your friend that this behavior has become a problem and explain what you expect from them. You may stop making plans with them the next time they don't show up or are late.
Perhaps you can be lenient on your limits as long as they communicate with you ahead of time. The specifics of your limit-setting will be unique to each situation.
Recognizing Your Limits
Recognizing your limits can be difficult, particularly if you’re not used to setting them. Paying attention to your feelings is essential to recognizing when a limit must be set.
Negative emotions such as discomfort, sadness, disappointment, regret, fear, or anger are vital clues that one needs to set a limit on another person’s actions.
In addition, looking back on past relationship patterns can be an excellent way to discover general limit-setting guidelines. For example, if you have a pattern of people taking advantage of your generous nature, it’s a good idea to set limits around what you’ll do for others at your own expense.
It is easy to forget your limits when you want to avoid discomfort or conflict. Feel free to journal to discover your limits. Journaling also helps you develop guidelines for your limits in general and with specific individuals.
Importance of Limits
Recognizing your limits is extremely important for your emotional well-being and, depending on the circumstances, can be critical for your physical safety.
You'll feel better about yourself when you recognize and honor your limits. That’s because you’re acting to protect what matters to you and prioritize yourself over others. This doesn’t make you selfish.
Setting and sticking to limits helps you avoid becoming a doormat for others. You’ll preserve your energy and time, and you’ll also avoid negative feelings such as sadness, regret, resentment, and even depression.
When I talked to teens and adults about their relationships, I learned how hard it is for people to set boundaries. I heard stories about the abusive language and name-calling they accept from their partners. When I asked them why they stayed in the relationship, they answered, “Because I love him.” I never tell people what to do; I listen and ask questions to help them sort out their situation. One question I ask is, “Do you believe if someone loves you, they would use abusive language and put you down?”
Keep this information in mind moving forward. Your interests, desires, and needs are as vital as anyone else’s. Standing up for them is empowering and nourishing to your Soul.
Nancy Dadami is an Inner Peace Strategist, Medicine Painting Mentor, and Feng Shui Specialist. She helps empower leaders, visionaries, creatives, and entrepreneurs called to growth, learning, service, and freedom to thrive by living the best version of themselves, creating a life of abundance, self-awareness, purpose, and inner peace. Learn more here Linktr.ee/nancydadami
